Thursday, July 12, 2012

Open letter to the creep who stole my debit card number

You are a King Jackhole.  Seriously get off of your ass and get a job that earns you your own money so you don't have to steal from hard working people like me.  I hope you get caught and go to prison where you will become some bad man's (or woman's) bitch.

Thanks to you I now have no debit card.  It's a good thing my husband watches every transaction that goes through our bank account like a hawk.  Normally an iTunes charge wouldn't raise suspicion, however a $21.98 purchase did.  Dude, what did you buy?  I'm guessing an app on how not to be a jackass...

Meanwhile I had to call the bank, also known as India, to speak to someone named "Frank" who sounds more like Apu from the Simpsons.  Frank tells me to contact iTunes, which I have just told him I already did and that they are the ones who said the card was used fraudulently.  He is not understanding, I do the stupid American thing and just talk louder, since volume makes things easier to understand.  Finally he gets it and sends through the claim and cancels my card.  Tells me I'll have a new card in 10 business days.  He has obviously never met me and doesn't know that my debit card is my lifeline.  He then offers to expedite it and I'll have it in 3 days.  OK dude, why the frick didn't you just offer that to me in the first place????

Adrian is loving that I have no debit card.  No debit card = no spending.  I had to use his card to get gas the other night, beg $7 off of him to buy lunch the other day, lucky for me there was a BBQ at work today so I didn't need any money.  It's like not having one of my arms, the only thing worse would be to have my iPhone taken away from me.

You identity thieves and credit card stealers really are the scum of the earth.  Someday there will be a way to find you and you are going to get yours.  Your new cellmate Butch will make sure of it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Bravo TV ain't got nothin' on the Real Housewives of Adams County

For Reals.  There is a group of us who all know each other because our children went to the same pre-school.  The kids are now older and are all spread out across several schools, but we still manage to get together for some fun.  We've added "outsiders" to the group as well, but only if they can hang with the Housewives.

What follows is a tale of our adventures over the past couple of weeks.  It all starts with Brenda, self proclaimed Groupon addict.  She gets about 20 emails a day from different places and she has purchased so many deals she created a spreadsheet to keep track of them.  We ended up buying a patio bike deal and 4 of the housewives went on a pub crawl. 

This is said Patio bike.  It seats 14 and nearly everyone must pedal.  So Housewives Angela, Brenda, Leslie and I head downtown to Billy's Gourmet Hotdogs to meet up with our crew.  Please note you can do nothing EVER to a hot dog to make it gourmet.  Blech.  We pile on the bike and head out.

Leslie (who was wearing inappropriate 4" shoes) and Brenda pedaling through the Scientologists.  They opened their new church that day and we went tearing (I use that term loosely since the bike goes 4 mph at top speed) through their celebration.  First stop:  Breckenridge Brewery where we get a beer and a shot for $5.  Housewife Angela says she doesn't drink shots, so me, being the Housewife ring leader helped her out.

We met some nice boys on the trip.  Boys born in 1980.  Not lying.  Pam, who was very sick and didn't make the trip (she didn't want to go in the first place) wanted pictures of the adventure so we sent her photos of Dave and Cody.  Pam requested Dave remove his shirt...
I'm throwing in a photo that includes me since I never seem to make it into my own blog:

After our drinks we hop on the bike and head to the Retro Room where they have infused vodka selections.  We all had a spicy pickle shot, yes, even "I don't do shots" Angela had a half of a shot.  Talk about liquid fire.

Across the street was the Gin Mill.  They had free popcorn and we all needed some food by that point.  Two other party bikes pulled up and pretty soon that one lonely bartender was inundated with people.  We had more drinks and hung out for awhile before getting back on the bike.  All of that pedaling was hard, thank goodness we had tunes to get us through our trek.  Next stop, IFish for Saki Bombs.

These were domino saki bombs for $3.  I've never had such cheap drinks in my life.  I was designated the gong ringer for the festivities:

We were in for it after that stop.  Tons of traffic, accidents and closed streets caused us to pedal for what seemed like days to our last stop, the Matchbox.  What a hole in the wall, seriously.  We had consumed so many cocktails by that point we didn't really care, so inside we went for more cheap drinks.  This is where we said goodbye to the bike and were left to our own devices.  Without a time table, other than Brenda needing to get her Chuck E. Cheese on, we hung out for awhile.  Somehow one of the Housewives convinced the guys to...

...remove their shirts for Pam!  This is what the Housewives can accomplish:  We meet strangers, they love us and then remove their clothing.  Not something I have ever seen on Bravo before!

Then, just a few days later, some of the RHoAC went painting and drinking.  We started off at Si Senor where we ordered these:

They were ginormous and about the time they hit the table we realized we had messed up the time and had to guzzle these down in about 10 minutes.  We headed to Erie for some painting and sipping, where Leslie confused my painting water for her wine glass and had a drink.  Talk about nasty, good thing I had only used one color at that point.

So nasty.  Brenda, Leslie, Housewife Michele and I had a blast painting, singing and drinking wine. 

We left with some pretty decent artwork to hang in various rooms in our houses.  Michele's is going in the "No Blowjob Room".  Feel free to ask her about that.

The next night Angela hosted the Housewives (Michele, Brenda, Pam, Roxanne and Sonja) at her house since all of their husbands were camping with their boy scouts.  If these picture doesn't say it all...we know how to have fun on a Friday night.  Headbandz with the younger generation! 

Just a few nights after that Michele and I went and rocked out to Lita Ford, Poison and Def Leppard.  Such a great concert, so much fun, we had a blast.

Bret Michaels

Def Leppard sitting on a box
So Andy Cohen, if you are out there, I have a new franchise for you, and most of us aren't bitches and we all like each other and we guarantee you a great season if you come film our adventures!