Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Boot Camp...I'm sure you are shocked, but I did go back

I survived last week.  I hobbled around like an old lady and I was REALLY happy about the handicap rail in the bathroom.  When you drink as much water as I do, you spend a lot of time in there.  Up down up down...almost like boot camp!

Thursday came around and there was no way in Hell I was going to make it.  Literally I would roll over in the night, wake up in agony, and then lay there trying to fall back asleep.  I barely made it to work...I groaned every time I got up for my desk, my coworkers were quite entertained.

It was about Saturday I could walk upright again so I started looking forward to this week and Tuesday night's boot camp.

I think several of the regulars were surprised to see me back, they probably had side bets on whether the crazy blond would ever show her red, sweaty face there again.  Ha!  Proved them wrong!  The gym was in use for something at the school so Major Pain set up stations around the place for us.

Major Pain likes things that include jumping.  Lunge jumps, squat jumps, frog jumps, star jumps, the dreaded burpee's (Bur-PEE, get it?)...a side story...

A friend of mine, who I will not name...OK I MIGHT be related to her...she can't jump on a trampoline without having to pee.  Before I ever had kids I thought it was funny and thought this was a rare occurrence.  I have since learned that it's not, but I always laughed because I didn't have a baby out of my hoo haw, the stork left mine on my doorstep.  Anyway...somehow, all this jumping around is now a problem for ME.  I asked Major Pain if he had a wife, yes he does, do you have any kids?  Do you make HER jump around like this?  Serious, this is not pretty and I actually had to make a run for the potty at one point.  Not cool.  I'll never make fun of my babies-out-of-their-hoo-haw friends again.

Because we had to keep moving around we didn't work as hard as Tuesday.  I only burned four hundred some calories, I only threw up in my mouth a little bit once, and I am not coughing out my lungs like last week.  I'm taking this as a positive sign that I just might make it to Thursday night.  I'm down 4 pounds and I'm motivated.  So...bring on the Advil, and while you are at it, throw in a box of Depends too, I'm gonna need them.

Oh, and if any of my Westminster, Northglenn, Broomfield, Thornton, Brighton friends are looking for some ass kicking, Major Pain sells a punch card and you can go when you want.  Let me know if you want to tag along sometime!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Boot Camp...or...What the F!@#$%^!!! was I thinking...

So yeah, two blogs in one day. However I wrote the Black Friday blog over the weekend and forgot to post it.  The way I figure it, I might die in the night so I had better post this now.

So, my cousin Jim's wife Tanya has this really hot brother. I've never met the brother, heck, I just met Tanya at Walmart on Black Friday, but somehow he convinced me to do this 16 day weight loss challenge which includes Boot Camp.

Here is Kody and his equally hot significant other, Nikki (never met her either).

Kind of creepy that I post a total stranger's nearly nekkid picture, but I want you to see my motivation.  OK, so I go to boot camp.  Major Pain, aka Jarred (or Jarrod, we didn't discuss the spelling of his name) starts in with all of this cardio.

Hells bells people.  I could feel all my fatty areas jiggling around, I'm floundering around gasping for breath, my face is the color of my hot pink shirt...my heart rate monitor is flashing *WARNING WARNING DIAL 911* and I'm pretty sure smoke was coming out of it.  (Disclaimer:  It DID say low battery at the beginning...but still).

I made it through about 75% of it, flopping around like a dying fish, I could taste blood in my throat, I kept drinking water which was a big mistake because then as I'm flopping and jiggling about it's sloshing all around.  I honestly thought I was going to barf.  Major Pain asked me a couple of times if I was OK...I wasn't.  I was by the back door because of course I was HOT and I thought, I could escape, I could run right on outta here if only I had my keys...

Then we start running in the hall.  Running.  I only run if there is a fire, otherwise if I need to get somewhere fast I drive.  Running is a hazard to my health.  The friction between my thighs will likely catch my undies on fire, so I avoid it whenever possible.  In addition to the running there were squats involved.  My legs felt like jello, I couldn't do it.  Major Pain took pity on me and didn't point out my weaknesses...thank you, Major Pain!

Then more floundering around, something called burpees (which kind of made me feel like I was going to pee myself)...anyway, you get the picture.  Finally it was over.  I crawled over to my stuff, glanced at my heart rate monitor and was shocked to see I had burned 600 calories.  In one hour.  Holy Meatballs, People!

On the way home I easily could have been considered a DUI candidate.  I felt like I was swerving all over the road, my legs hurt and I couldn't feel my foot on the gas pedal...pulled into the garage and GOD BLESS MY HUSBAND the smell of spaghetti was wafting out of the house and to hell with no carbs...I ate some and it was delicious.

Boot Camp is held on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Yeah, I'll not be able to attend on Thursday (Adrian is working, yadda yadda yadda) but I just might be back next Tuesday for another round. 

PS:  Does anyone know where/how I get a new battery for my Polar Heart Rate Monitor?  If I die after these classes, I want proof of how many calories I burned before!!

Black Friday...Observations and other thoughts

Last year was the first time I did the whole Black Friday at Midnight thing.  A couple of years earlier I went to Walmart at 5AM but that was only because our furnace was out and I thought it might be warmer there than at home.  Yeah, decided never to do THAT again. 

Last year my nieces, Lexi and Ally, along with my friend Leslie, went out for Black Friday.  First we went to the movie and then to Target at midnight.  It was fun and we got stuff we needed and everyone was in good spirits--none of that pushing and shoving you see on TV.

This year I didn't have much to get, but the girls wanted to go again so we formulated a plan.  Walmart at 8pm, the Twilight movie, then the mall at midnight.  My sister, Marne, decided to go too, but only 'cuz she wanted to see the movie.  She really had no desire for the shopping.

I wish I had taken a camera to capture the look of HORROR on Marne's face at Walmart.  It was pretty crazy, crime scene tape everywhere--not because of crime, but to keep the shoppers all in line for whatever it was they were after.  You want the TV?  Go hang out on the frozen food aisle.  Oh, you want the iPad...you head over to the dog food aisle.  You get the idea.  I was after DVD's...they were in the deli by the bacon and bologna.  Ran into my cousin's wife there, I had never met her before so that was nice.  My cousin was in the TV line...

Cruised out of Walmart, went to the movie.  We were early for the movie.  I was starving.  Seriously, McDonalds would have made a fortune if they had been open.  Walked past PF Changs and Red Robin...no luck.  All closed.  We guzzled down some energy drinks and a pizza before the movie started, and then had some diet coke and popcorn.  My poor stomach.  The movie was good, glad that series is over.  On to the mall...

The line at Old Navy...OMG...I took the girls one time to Old Navy for $1 flip flops.  We waited in line so long I needed a hair cut and was a year older by the time we left.  The Black Friday line...it was WORSE.  We turned around and left.

Here is the sad part about my BF shopping.  I bought hairspray, it was half off.  I bought a new shirt, for myself, it was on sale.  I bought room deodorizer at Bath and Body, it was on sale.  I bought one small gift, otherwise everything else was stuff I would normally buy because I need it, but cheaper.  Really?  How lame is THAT?  And on top of that, there were a zillion people just hanging out, standing around.  NOT shopping.  Why were they there?  I think I saw more teenagers than anything, don't we have a curfew here?  They are just loitering around, drinking Starbucks (it was open but had a line clear out the door!!!)...so weird.

Oh, and the line for Victoria's Secret?  Horrendously long...people waiting for all eternity to buy a bra that likely cost $85.  No. Thank. You.  Hollister, or one of those teeny bopper stores, had the shirtless dudes at the entrance, but there were so many people I couldn't even get my Cougar on.

We were out of there and I was home in bed by 230.  I'll probably do it next year, if the girls are up for it.  At least I get to cross a movie off of my list each year!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

Apparently I have been busy because it's been a couple of months since I have updated my blog.  A lot of things have happened, some happy, some sad...

Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving I've been thinking about all I have to be thankful for.  A two of my friends have suffered the horrible loss of their husbands (and in one case, her husband and young son).  I can't imagine my life without Tommy and Adrian, so I am very thankful for them, the loves of my life. 

My heart and thoughts are with Cara and Pearl, Tami and Chloe and Ethan, Sherrill and the Rudas...family is everything and the loss of family is unfathomable.  My thoughts are with them this Thanksgiving as they gather with friend and family and remember those who are gone.

I'm also thankful for a lot of other stuff, aside from my immediate family:

The Real Housewives of Adams County, who provide tons of laughs and fun.

Susan, my fellow democrat, who drank with me on election night whilst we sweated the results.

Loud Mouth golf clothes, because they are bright and fun.

Rhoda, my snuggly little dog, who I adore.

Vodka...enough said.

Botox, so I don't look like such a people hater all of the time.

My nieces, Lexi and Ally, who allow me to know what it would be like to have daughters

Modern medicine, which helped Tommy with a small nervous tic problem, and made him a much happier child.  Man, I love that kid.

Modern medicine, which helps me with pesky problems like hormones and hot flashes and makes me a much happier mommy.

Vodka...oh yeah, I said that one already.  OK, I'll be specific...Flavored vodka...


All of these little things get me though the rough times.  I couldn't do it without family, friends, and apparently booze and pills.

I love you all, enjoy the frenzy of Thanksgiving and Black Friday, and send out some good thoughts to my friends during this most difficult time of year.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Another birthday...

I'm starting to enjoy birthdays again. After a rough time in my 30s, birthdays are fun again and something to celebrate.

Think about it...
At 5 you start kindergarten
You are a teenager at 13
Get your driver's license at 16
Vote at 18
Woohoo drink legally at 21
Car insurance goes down at 25--unless you are me and crash a lot and get your car stolen a couple of times

It's pretty much down hill from there. No birthday milestones, you just get older and saggier and if you are still single turning 30 is like a scarlet letter. But lots of good stuff happened in my 30's, I got married (whew) and had a baby and kind of came into my own.

When I turned 40 I embraced it. No dreading of birthdays and celebrating with friends. So tomorrow I turn another year older and have 4 days of fun and celebration planned.

Below are some pictures of birthdays past:

My original BIRTH day
First birthday, check out the jazzy high chair
Second Birthday, same jazzy high chair
Third birthday, that is a Lemon Torte from Vollmers, and those are my dad's sideburns. 
Another birthday, Raggedy Ann cake (a recurring theme)
Probably a Raggedy Ann cake, check out the pink clogs.  My love of clogs exists today.
Another Raggedy Ann cake
Birthday in first grade, Julie Jamison, do you see yourself?
Who remembers birthday parties at McDonalds, dang that was good cake
Hot pink leisure suit!  That's Shari Sword for those who went to Central

Another Raggedy Ann cake
Not a Raggedy Ann cake
Thank God someone stopped taking pictures of me with cake.  Or, this is the last one I could find.  Check out those blue daisy dishes!!
So while I am pretty sure I won't have a Raggedy Ann birthday cake tomorrow, I will have a fun filled weekend with my hubby and son, good friends and family.  Happy birthday to me!!!!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

We are raising a proud little Democrat

It is not a secret in our house as to which side of the political fence we sit.  Adrian and I talk about politics, watch politics on TV, etc.  Four years ago we sent Tommy to pre-school in a t-shirt that said "Obama Bama Bo Bama" on it, I thought it was awesome.  One of our friends (Russ, that would be you) was not amused.   That's just how we roll.

We don't have a shirt for him for this election, but if he gets one it will be because Tommy wants one, not me airing my political views through my child.

Anyway, the other day we were in the car and the conversation went like this:

T:  Mom, that car has a Romney bumper sticker on it
Me:  Yep, it sure does
T:  I don't like Mitt Romney
Me:  Why not?
T:  Mitt Romney tells lies. 
Me:  Where did you here that:
T:  On the TV.

OK, one, are the politicians now advertising on Disney XD because that's about all he watches, and two, I didn't know he was that observant.

Me:  Well, even though I don't particularly like Mitt Romney you can't believe everything you see on TV.  Those commercials can be deceptive.
T:  Mom!  Romney is a 'publican and 'publicans TELL LIES!

At this point I am not going to argue, the kid would argue over the color of the sky, so I am trying to steer the conversation elsewhere.

T:  Mom!  Did you hear me?  'publicans tell lies.  Brayden says that Obama is a liar and I told him that the 'publicans are liars and we got in an argument about it (Yes, Tia, if you are reading this, Tommy was talking with your Brayden).
Me:  Tommy, it's not appropriate to discuss politics at summer camp.  People lose friends arguing over politics.
T:  But MOM!  Brayden and I argue about everything!

It's going to be a long run-up to the election.  I hope I don't get any calls from angry parents!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Open letter to the creep who stole my debit card number

You are a King Jackhole.  Seriously get off of your ass and get a job that earns you your own money so you don't have to steal from hard working people like me.  I hope you get caught and go to prison where you will become some bad man's (or woman's) bitch.

Thanks to you I now have no debit card.  It's a good thing my husband watches every transaction that goes through our bank account like a hawk.  Normally an iTunes charge wouldn't raise suspicion, however a $21.98 purchase did.  Dude, what did you buy?  I'm guessing an app on how not to be a jackass...

Meanwhile I had to call the bank, also known as India, to speak to someone named "Frank" who sounds more like Apu from the Simpsons.  Frank tells me to contact iTunes, which I have just told him I already did and that they are the ones who said the card was used fraudulently.  He is not understanding, I do the stupid American thing and just talk louder, since volume makes things easier to understand.  Finally he gets it and sends through the claim and cancels my card.  Tells me I'll have a new card in 10 business days.  He has obviously never met me and doesn't know that my debit card is my lifeline.  He then offers to expedite it and I'll have it in 3 days.  OK dude, why the frick didn't you just offer that to me in the first place????

Adrian is loving that I have no debit card.  No debit card = no spending.  I had to use his card to get gas the other night, beg $7 off of him to buy lunch the other day, lucky for me there was a BBQ at work today so I didn't need any money.  It's like not having one of my arms, the only thing worse would be to have my iPhone taken away from me.

You identity thieves and credit card stealers really are the scum of the earth.  Someday there will be a way to find you and you are going to get yours.  Your new cellmate Butch will make sure of it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Bravo TV ain't got nothin' on the Real Housewives of Adams County

For Reals.  There is a group of us who all know each other because our children went to the same pre-school.  The kids are now older and are all spread out across several schools, but we still manage to get together for some fun.  We've added "outsiders" to the group as well, but only if they can hang with the Housewives.

What follows is a tale of our adventures over the past couple of weeks.  It all starts with Brenda, self proclaimed Groupon addict.  She gets about 20 emails a day from different places and she has purchased so many deals she created a spreadsheet to keep track of them.  We ended up buying a patio bike deal and 4 of the housewives went on a pub crawl. 

This is said Patio bike.  It seats 14 and nearly everyone must pedal.  So Housewives Angela, Brenda, Leslie and I head downtown to Billy's Gourmet Hotdogs to meet up with our crew.  Please note you can do nothing EVER to a hot dog to make it gourmet.  Blech.  We pile on the bike and head out.

Leslie (who was wearing inappropriate 4" shoes) and Brenda pedaling through the Scientologists.  They opened their new church that day and we went tearing (I use that term loosely since the bike goes 4 mph at top speed) through their celebration.  First stop:  Breckenridge Brewery where we get a beer and a shot for $5.  Housewife Angela says she doesn't drink shots, so me, being the Housewife ring leader helped her out.

We met some nice boys on the trip.  Boys born in 1980.  Not lying.  Pam, who was very sick and didn't make the trip (she didn't want to go in the first place) wanted pictures of the adventure so we sent her photos of Dave and Cody.  Pam requested Dave remove his shirt...
I'm throwing in a photo that includes me since I never seem to make it into my own blog:

After our drinks we hop on the bike and head to the Retro Room where they have infused vodka selections.  We all had a spicy pickle shot, yes, even "I don't do shots" Angela had a half of a shot.  Talk about liquid fire.

Across the street was the Gin Mill.  They had free popcorn and we all needed some food by that point.  Two other party bikes pulled up and pretty soon that one lonely bartender was inundated with people.  We had more drinks and hung out for awhile before getting back on the bike.  All of that pedaling was hard, thank goodness we had tunes to get us through our trek.  Next stop, IFish for Saki Bombs.

These were domino saki bombs for $3.  I've never had such cheap drinks in my life.  I was designated the gong ringer for the festivities:

We were in for it after that stop.  Tons of traffic, accidents and closed streets caused us to pedal for what seemed like days to our last stop, the Matchbox.  What a hole in the wall, seriously.  We had consumed so many cocktails by that point we didn't really care, so inside we went for more cheap drinks.  This is where we said goodbye to the bike and were left to our own devices.  Without a time table, other than Brenda needing to get her Chuck E. Cheese on, we hung out for awhile.  Somehow one of the Housewives convinced the guys to...

...remove their shirts for Pam!  This is what the Housewives can accomplish:  We meet strangers, they love us and then remove their clothing.  Not something I have ever seen on Bravo before!

Then, just a few days later, some of the RHoAC went painting and drinking.  We started off at Si Senor where we ordered these:

They were ginormous and about the time they hit the table we realized we had messed up the time and had to guzzle these down in about 10 minutes.  We headed to Erie for some painting and sipping, where Leslie confused my painting water for her wine glass and had a drink.  Talk about nasty, good thing I had only used one color at that point.

So nasty.  Brenda, Leslie, Housewife Michele and I had a blast painting, singing and drinking wine. 

We left with some pretty decent artwork to hang in various rooms in our houses.  Michele's is going in the "No Blowjob Room".  Feel free to ask her about that.

The next night Angela hosted the Housewives (Michele, Brenda, Pam, Roxanne and Sonja) at her house since all of their husbands were camping with their boy scouts.  If these picture doesn't say it all...we know how to have fun on a Friday night.  Headbandz with the younger generation! 

Just a few nights after that Michele and I went and rocked out to Lita Ford, Poison and Def Leppard.  Such a great concert, so much fun, we had a blast.

Bret Michaels

Def Leppard sitting on a box
So Andy Cohen, if you are out there, I have a new franchise for you, and most of us aren't bitches and we all like each other and we guarantee you a great season if you come film our adventures!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Things not to do or say to a really hormonal menopausal woman

Here is some backstory. Because I'm so young (ha ha) my doctor won't put me on full on HRT. Apparently it causes bad Osteoperosis and I really don't want to be Hunchback Heidi in my later years. Instead I take regular old birth control pills but back to back for three months and then I stop for a week. I call that HELL WEEK.

Hell week is bad for everyone. Me, my husband, my child, coworkers, friends, mail man, checkout person at Hobby Lobby, you get the picture. It's like a demon has invaded my body for a solid 7 days.

Until you live this yourself you have no idea how horrid it can be. I have a week long headache, I think nasty thoughts, I snarl, I drink vodka. Hell week has varying degrees of hellishness and this past week was a doozy. While I wallowed in my misery I compiled a list of things that really set me off this week and I'd like to share them with you.

1. When a HG (Hormonal Gal) states that she's literally crazy without her hormones don't reply "really there isn't much difference when you take them and when you don't" and then say it was a joke.

2. Do not rip open the bag of English muffins leaving a hole in the package. You are not a caveman. Open and close the bag in the appropriate manner.

3. Do not call your mom "mother of the year" when you don't get your way.

4. Do not insinuate that I am not a team player.

5. Do not hide the Midol.

6. Do not pull a bait and switch.

7. Do not ignore my texts and phone calls.

8. Do not hide the chocolate.

9. When I ask for multi-seed Crunch Master crackers in a yellow box do not bring home focking Ritz crackers in a red box.

And for the love of all that is holy DO NOT ASK ME WHY I AM CRYING. I don't usually know why and don't have an answer. So do us a favor and don't ask.

That pretty much sums it up. I know it sounds like my hubby said some wrong things this week but I spend more time with him than anyone so he had more opportunity. He also did some really nice things and tried to make me feel better so he does get let off the hook a bit!

Today is a new day and the start of my hormones and I already feel like a new person. I'm good for another 3 months but then...watch out.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Things that keep me up at night volume 2

Why do they make bathroom stalls where the door opens to the inside? I'll admit, I'm larger than the average gal, however even the skinniest of skinny chicks have to have a problem with this as well.

We were at Tommy's basketball game the other day which is at a middle school. I used the facilities on the way out and literally had to squish myself between the wall and commode to get the door of the stall open when I was done. It was all I could do to get me and my purse out of that stall without major incident. I realize this was a middle school and kids are smaller but don't they have teachers there? Maybe some large teachers. How do they get out?

Same problem at the airport, all the stall doors open to the inside of the stall. What makes it worse is you have to haul your things like carry on bags into the stall with you. Getting you and your baggage out of there is nearly impossible. I usually try for the handicap stall so that I have plenty-o-room. This is problematic in that usually someone who NEEDS that big stall is kept waiting.

So potty designers of the world take note. We are tired of your stall door games. Doors should open to the outside thankyouverymuch.

My other issue is cloth napkins. It never fails that I have on black pants when given a white linen napkin or light colored pants when given a black linen napkin. Either way I usually have napkin remnants on my lap for the rest of the day. There must be some solution to this problem. Miracle napkins? If they can make a perfect brownie pan (that is anything BUT perfect) or knives that never need sharpened, how about some linen napkins that don't shed?

Seems to me that people make things more difficult than need be. That is all.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sugaring Part II

So after hanging the buckets on Tuesday we were ready to boil sap on Friday.  Tommy and Grandpa went out to gather up the sap Friday morning.  I have no pictures of this as I was in the house in pain.  I had fallen down the stairs the night before and was pretty beat up, so I skipped sap retrieval.

According to Grandpa they had about 20 gallons of sap from the buckets we hung.  They dumped it into this big container on the tractor.

Grandpa then put it up in the air on the tractor and attached a hose to drain it into the boiler.

Once all the sap was in the boiler Grandpa got things going.  This process takes a LONG time.  Tommy had to gather wood and help stoke the fire many many times.

After the sap has been boiling for awhile you check to see how thick it is getting.  If it is "sheeting" you are on the right track.

After a while Grandpa tests to see if it's ready in this metal test tube thingy.  Once he is satisfied with that he then draws off some of the syrup from the boiler.

It's not done yet, now it needs to be filtered to get all the gross stuff out.  I don't know what equates to gross stuff but I'm guessing tree bark, bugs and the like.

The syrup hangs out in the filter thing and continues to heat.  After it's filtered it is ready for bottling and tasting.

Apparently syrup has a grade.  The best, highest grade syrup is very light in color.  The darker the syrup gets the lesser the quality and taste.  This thingy below helps decide what grade you have made.

Here is the syrup we made.  You tell me what quality you think it is.

Pretty dark.  Looks like Guinness to me.  We had missed the best sap time this year, so basically this was all just for show.  The syrup we brought back is not what we made.  Tommy doesn't know that, so don't spill the beans.  I'm sure if we had been a few weeks earlier our syrup would have been GRADE A vs. Grade X.

All that matters is that Tommy had fun and got to spend time with his grandparents.  I loved watching Tommy interact with them and the bonding between them was very special.  I'm sad that they all live so far away.  I know I'll remember this visit for a long time and I hope that Tommy does too.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Sugaring Part 1

It's been so warm in Vermont we didn't think we would be gathering sap and making syrup from start to finish.

We headed out with a few buckets and taps. Grandma kept telling me I was going to get cold. Apparently Capri pants and Mary Jane shoes aren't appropriate. Yeah. She was right. After getting a bunch of dirt in my shoes I went back for long pants and more appropriate footwear. Style doesn't count when tapping trees.

The sap was running so we got more buckets, etc. and got Tommy behind the wheel of the tractor (with Grandpa's guidance) and headed down the road.

We had to pull down some sap buckets that Grandpa had placed a week ago or so. Blech. They were filled with sap but it was frozen and also had some bugs and other floaty things so they got dumped out. I went to dump one and literally gagged as it was brown and disgusting and full of who knows what.

We retapped the trees and hung clean buckets and replaced the lids. By tomorrow or Thursday we should have enough for the next step of the process. Below are some pictures from today.