Tuesday, September 6, 2011

An observation

I'd like to start off by saying my husband will hate this blog, so Adrian, if you're reading, turn back now. This blog is about the subject of which we do not discuss...

As you know, I'm known as Heidi Dater People Hater. People just irritate me. I’ve thought a lot about it and I might be irritated all of the time because I don’t poop. My 8-pound dog poops twice a day without fail. I’m an over grown person and I can’t go but once every 10 days or so.

Now, if you think about it that’s about 40 times a year. Can you imagine if I were a man? That just wouldn’t be acceptable. It means I would miss reading the sports page 325 days out of the year.

My mom has a friend who thinks a big dump in the bathroom is the solution to what ails you.. You have a headache? Go poop, you’ll feel better. Stressed at the office? Hit the crapper and all will be well. Mad at your husband, drop a deuce and your problems are solved. Nope, not for me.

I’ve tried everything too. More fiber, more coffee, more greens, more fruit, less iron, you name it, I’ve tried it. On a recent trip to Las Vegas I accidentally discovered Vodka is a laxative. Yep. After 11 vodka cocktails spaced out throughout the day, I had to go. It’s the witching hour, people are stumbling around drunk, missing shoes and various articles of clothing and it’s the best time to be people watching, and I’m missing it because I “have to go”.

So now I’ve found a remedy, but how feasible is it to drink 11 vodka’s each day? Even every other day? Can you imagine the drive to work, client meetings, teacher conferences? It’s a whole new reason for AA to exist. Hi, my name is Heidi D and I’m an alcoholic because I can’t poop and I use vodka as a laxative. Can I get a sponsor? Can you hear that conversation now? I’m sorry Mr. Sponsor, I really had to poop so I downed a fifth...that would be such an AA FAIL!

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